Follow-up: Câteva idei de la "Summitul Încrederii" - "Wellbeing Institute"

Am ascultat săptămâna aceasta, în fundal, mai multe cursuri de la “Summitul Încrederii” – “Wellbeing Institute”. (Relații armonioase, pline de încredere – Află sfaturi practice pentru a îmbunătăți relația cu tine și cu cei din jur.)

Cred că am trecut chiar prin toate, dar e posibil ca unele idei să îmi fi scăpat, că făceam și alte lucruri.

Câteva idei pe care mi le-am notat, mai jos.

Notă – ordinea e foarte aleatoare, și vă invit să considerați notițele mele ca fiind foarte vagi aproximări.

Sunt lucruri cu care mi-aș dori eu să rămân.

Nu sunt citate exacte, sunt niște idei mai importante, pentru mine.

Scuze că sunt unele și în engleză, altele în română, am scris în funcție de vorbitor, fără să fac traducerea, în general.

Ca o concluzie pentru cele de mai jos – mi-a plăcut foarte mult cursul, a fost foarte util.

Moderatorul întâlnirilor, Ruxandra Mercea, mi s-a părut că dă dovadă de foarte multă bună dispoziție.

Mi-a plăcut foarte mult să văd speakerii destinși, mulți dintre ei râzând și glumind, foarte relaxați și deschiși.

Mi-a adus aminte de cum moderează dna Andreea Esca podcasturile.

Recomand cumpărarea cursului, e de o calitate foarte ridicată, în opinia mea.

Resentment is like taking poison and hoping that others will die.
We need to separate criticism from guiding.
Resilience – capacity to recover from adversity; […] adversity is part of life.
It’s important to have some self-compassion and not be too hard on yourself […] it’s not easy to change.
You cannot trust yourself if other people cannot trust you. And one way that we really know that we are trustworthy is that we are people who learn from our mistakes.
There’s a difference between criticizing and guiding. We need guiding from the outside. Children need guidance, they need authority, they need structure, they need rules because that is what makes them safe.
8-8-8 balance: 8 hours of sleep (plenty of sleep), 8 hours of work, 8 hours outside of work. Somewhere in there (8-8-8) seems like a good balance.
In a conflict, each of us desperately wants the appreciation, but typically neither side is eager to give the appreciation to the other side
Ca să menținem sănătatea mentală trebuie să facem, în mod constant, niște minime exerciții – depinde ce probleme avem
E important să facem sport sau mișcare. Sportul are implicații asupra biologiei, asupra detensionării corpului.
Scrie că Google greșesc masiv cu Picasa images. Yahoo! cu Yahoo! Groups și Answers, și alte site-uri care închid site-uri text/imagini, în loc să le țină long-term pentru reclame.
Zero negativity gets your attention. Here’s the definition of zero negativity: it’s looking at everyone through the eyes of love.
You got to ask some questions before you respond to “What do we do?” or “How do we fix it?”. It has to do with “Why?”. “Why do you really want to fix X, Y, Z?” (“What is your motivation?”, “How strong is your motivation to do what’s required of you? Not your partner, you, as an individual.”) “The longest journey starts with a single step”. Actually, the longest journey starts with the desire to be someone else.
A way to look at the Genie issue – ask the Genie to be poor at math, so he won’t be able to count how many wishes are there left.
Question to put: Honey, what would I need to do to bring out the best in you?
Am I getting enough in this relationship to make the pain of what I’m not getting worth my while? And if the answer is no, […] then fix it or get out. If the answer is yes, […] if the «but» outweighs what comes before it, then
The name of my new book is called «Us». Us – how moving relationships beyond you and me create love, passion, and understanding. And what happens is that when we are trauma-triggered, we lose the whole. We lose the ecology. We stop thinking like a team, and we start thinking like an enemy. «I. My rights. You better…». And, once we’re there, we’re literally in another part of our brain. We’re in a different part of our neurology. And not in the mature part, the immature part.
Ceea ce noi trăim, felul în care percepem realitatea e responsabilitatea noastră, sunt granițele noastre personale. Într-o conversație inconfortabilă e important să rămânem prezenți. A rămâne prezent – ascultă ce zice celălalt, chiar dacă am tendința de a îl întrerupe (pentru că mă simt atacat/ă și acționez defensiv); să rămân conectat (nu în mintea mea, interpretările mele); felul în care celălalt e modul lui de protecție (în spatele atacurilor la persoană se află frustrări, nemulțumiri despre care e important să vorbim într-un moment în care avem mai multă claritate). Stresul – pentru că nu ni-l asumăm, îl proiectăm asupra partenerului. Marea majoritate a conflictelor apar pentru că nu știm să ne reglăm stresul și creăm probleme când nu există probleme.
Încrederea e importantă în orice tip de relație, nu doar în cuplu.
“În viață să nu ai încredere nici într-un bec, că se poate strica”. Încrederea se construiește în orice relație, nu este un dat.
97% din rezultatul terapeutic e dat de încredere. Doar 3% contează metoda terapeutică folosită.
John Gottman – The Einstein of Love
(matematician, doctorat în psihologie) Prin anii ’70, după multiple relații eșuate (inclusiv o căsnicie), împreună cu prietenul lui și-au pus problema “De ce unele cupluri eșuează și altele ajung să trăiască până la adânci bătrâneți?”
Master & Disaster of love. (The Einstein of Love | Psychology Today)
Are o carte (Amazon.com: Principia Amoris: The New Science of Love: 9780415641562: Gottman, John Mordechai: Books) în care iubirea este demonstrată matematică în ecuații.
The toughest critic in the world is yourself.
Him: Consider telling yourself: Her: I had a hard time receiving compliments until now.
Him: Check how you feel about this: A big reason why I enjoy being generous with you; that’s because you are so receptive to new ideas and changing how you think and because you have a higher set of values that you aspire to and what you’ve been missing are the tools to get there. You have the motivation and I really appreciate how receptive you are to learning something new and then applying what you’ve learned. It makes it so easy to be generous.
Him: Her: PS: I can actually enjoy getting compliments because …
“I’ll try”. You can try or you can say “I will”.
Dacă un părinte are o problemă cu tine, ca profesor, ar trebui să îi zici să vorbească cu directorul, că relația angajat-angajator e între profesor și director, nu între profesor și părinte de copil.
The most asked question in the world and the least answered question is “How was school today?”. (“Fine!” “OK!” – Tell me more!)
(about a parent) If a teacher said nice things about his boys but didn’t really seem to know them, he dismissed it. If they had some tough things to say, but they really knew their voice, he gave the teacher full faith and credit for that.
E de preferat să nu judeci copilul – “Copilul tău e un pictor bun!” -, că poate nu ai calificarea necesară să zici asta. În schimb, poți povesti cu detalii din lucrurile pe care le face copilul, o poveste cu sens.
When somebody (a parent) is full of mistrust on teachers, there has to be somebody to sit down with the parent and say: “We see you don’t trust your child’s teacher. What are you worried about? Is there any way we could address your fears?”.
Two questions:
a. “What were you hoping for?”
b. “What were you worried about if we can’t deliver on those hopes?”
The kids have strengths.
“Today it was a tough day for the kid, but we have to keep using a strengths-based approach because if we don’t these kids will know it. They see people non-verbally and knows who holds unconditional positive regard or who’s looking for their deficits & weaknesses and it’s going to give them a lecture or create an atmosphere of fear or domination or punishment”.
People have bad days all the time. Being criticized for that just adds more pain to that response. The key takeaway here is: social criticism is pain. It’s processed exactly like pain in the brain and it’s very long-lasting. So, if you want to get better performance of students, criticizing them is a very poor approach.
(some online, some “live” learning activities) About 20-minute modules are really the most that people can stay immersed in learning contexts.
How to use the 20-20-20 rule for minutes: 20 minutes of presenting the information, 20 minutes of using the information (using the information in the group), 20 minutes of debriefing.
For children: 10-10-10 or 15-15-15.
You need breaks. Let your brain rest.
If you work out really hard, you also need recovery time.
One’s going to find the right balance – you want your spouse to know enough about what you are doing in your role as principal, so they are able to support you, but they need to know so much that they have to carry the burden you have.
I would be able to leave the office at school and go home – and leave behind the burden of the role so that when I was at home I was husband and father to our children.
Sometimes, my teenage son would say – “Dad, you are not headmaster here, at home”.
Being a principal is a very lonely job because you cannot be best friends with your staff, although you can be friends with them.
One of the things that we did with the staff was the gratitude letters. (handwritten notes)
If you want to say something bad, write the email, then delete it, and write a positive one afterward.
You should not send an email if you can say it in person.
Bullying is the biggest disturbance you can have in a classroom or in a working relationship. Bullying – another person diminishes your worth, your capacity to do your work, threatens you psychologically, sometimes even physically.
Make yourself available – “I’m here to listen when you’re ready”, but I do signal if something is not right.
Let’s say – suicidal thoughts. If someone says to you – “I have suicidal thoughts” -, as a teacher, it is your job to take action. And if the student says “But don’t tell anyone!”. This is a flag where you say, “No, I have to, but I’ll ensure that I do it in a way that you are safe, OK?”.
Parents need to not tell their children lies.
What does it mean to be trustworthy? It’s when our children can count on us to nurture them, to love them, to tell them the truth, to say when we need to say no, but to listen to their feelings about it. “You wish you could go to the playground. Not now, sweetie.”. A trustworthy parent is a parent who could be trusted with the child’s big emotions.
Trust in the family is when you can count on each other.
It’s our job as parents to set a standard for relationships in our house. So when one of our children is mean to the other children, they can say: “You’re pretty unhappy about this. You wish your sister would let you use that toy. You can tell your sister that you’d like to use that toy. You could ask permission, without attacking her.”.
When two children are fighting, they’re dysregulated. Their emotions are not regulated. But what’s really going on? It means that they think it’s a threat – their sibling is the threat. What do humans do when there’s a threat? Fight, Flight, Freeze.
Here’s something that your angel on your shoulder might tell you to tell your children: “I love you so much! There’s a place in my heart that is shaped just like you! And if you somehow wouldn’t be here tomorrow, that part of me would feel empty, would always look for you. This place is for you, and I could not love anyone else more than you. I am so lucky to be your mother”.
A lot of times kids want things to be equal. That’s fine when it comes to ice cream size – these can be equal. But in families, trust means that some things don’t need to be equal all the time. We need to understand that this child is different than the other child. We don’t want to treat this child exactly the same as this other child.
Unii părinți îl iau pe “Nu” în brațe. Îi deranjează până la nervi comportamentul copiilor. E important să ne uităm la cauzele comportamentului. O cauză importantă al comportamentului copilului e că nu simte că are îndeplinite nevoile psihologice de bază. Nu simt că pot lua decizii, că au libertatea de a explora, de a-și ocupa timpul cu lucruri creative în afara ecranelor.
Pandemia ne-a rupt de ce înseamnă firesc, normal – interacțiune umană, timp în tihnă, lucruri care ne fac plăcere, capacitatea de a decide pentru noi, de a explora, de a timp, de a dormi cât trebuie.
Copilul are nevoie de predictibilitate/siguranță că nu e singur – că dacă are nevoie de cineva, acea persoană apare.
Încrederea supremă: fiecare părinte este cel mai bun părinte pentru copilul lui, acum. (în momentul de față; ăștia suntem!)
Părinții noștri se străduiau să ne adaugă în casă gadget-uri, noi vrem să dăm afară gadget-urile copiilor (motive de adicție).
Children are copying what they see from their parents.
The child needs some freedom to gather his own life experience.
Too tight or too wide of freedom are both problematic.
E nevoie de un singur atașament sănătos în familie, pe care copilul să se poată rezema, și pe baza lui să poată face față și celorlalte relații din familie. Dacă are o bază de siguranță la care să revină, și o relație pe care să simtă că se poate baza, atunci poate face față unor relații poate de neîncredere sau în care nu există o bază (are suficientă reziliență).
Cum clădești relația de încredere și atașament:
1. Fii corect cu tine, autentic cu tine însuți. Fă tot ce poți să îți fie bine, în primul rând. Fii onorat în relația cu tine însuți.
2. Dacă crezi despre tine aceste lucruri, dă și celuilalt aceeași încredere.
In our brains: when things are predictable, we feel safe.
When, as parents, we say this: “I don’t want to hear it!”, the children will internalize this and stop talking to us.
When the children have emotional pain, we could be, at times, not very soothing.
When the children are ar their worst, that is when they need us (parents) the most.
“Yes, I can see you’re going through something difficult right now. (empathetic with their feelings) I’m right here with you when you’re feeling that. I’m not changing my boundary, I’m not giving in on what you want, I’m not screaming and yelling and joining the chaos and the storm, I’m just saying that’s really hard and I’m here with you while you’re feeling unfair and mad and disappointed. I’m just going to be here while you’re feeling that.”.