Past – When I was around 3, I moved from a place and a family where I felt free, and loved (Pîrjol), to another where there were rules, and love (I thought) was conditioned by following them (Năvodari). I detailed this here: My soul. I realized the things written in that article last summer (summer of 2016).
In a nutshell, I felt, then, that I am not loved in either of the places and if I want to be loved by my family in Năvodari I need to follow rules. I thought love was conditioned by good behavior.
I was wrong, I was loved in both places, though the expression of it wasn’t clear to me at that time.
And I’ve built, based on this, a whole set of emotions, and, actually, a life.
Present – Where am I now? A bit insecure, and still feeling that I’m not loved, this is very deep inside me.
Future – What’s the solution?
- Pretend. Act “as if”. Take some placebo treatment. Consider myself loved. It works remarkably well.
- Be a hero, and love even if I don’t feel loved. Ignore the fact that I feel unloved, and do good. For God, for others, for me.
- Do some therapy, if I feel I need to solve this. I don’t, at the moment.
Past – What are some practical consequences of the abstract things I wrote above, and in the article linked at the very top of this blog post?
- I became even more patient. I’m not in a hurry. I give myself time.
- I don’t have models which I follow on LinkedIn and Facebook. I’m down to one or two people, but it’s mostly curiosity, rather than “model”.
- I’m much less afraid, once I understand where fear comes from (insecurity, due to lack of love).
- Most of my dreams are not nightmares anymore. I do have them, but they’re not the majority.
- I don’t longer feel to write long blog posts about myself. This one is a short one, I used to write long pages.
- Fewer things move me. I became less likely to enjoy a lot of movies, I don’t laugh as often, I don’t admire as easily. This is partially related to the topic of love because it’s related to emotions.
You might look at this blog post and consider it sad. “No love”. How tough is that? Don’t feel pity, most people, myself included, are remarkably good at adjusting to a situation. And right now I feel serene, peaceful and happy with the current situation and future prospects. I’m very much at peace, right now.
Note – when I talk about “love” above, I mean go-to-heaven kind of love. So, not romantic, but help your neighbor.
P.S., 2017.05.19: I once went to a job interview, and the interviewer, he used to work for a company in medical services, looked at my CV and told me I’m looking for something and asked me what I was. I didn’t know, then, that I’m looking for something, nor what it was. Now that I found it, it’s clearer.